Alternative Sexual Practices, Online Conference Transcript

Marriage and family therapist and licensed hypnotherapist Randy Chelsey, discusses alternative sexual practices, sex outside of straight heterosexual intercourse, including bondage and being a submissive, fantasies of being raped, the desire to be spanked, foot fetishism, and more. We also talked about people's feelings surrounding sexual fantasies, acting out our sexual fantasies, and living with unfulfilled fantasies and how those things affect our relationships.

David is the HealthyPlace.com moderator.

The people in blue are audience members.

David: Good Evening. I'm David Roberts. I'm the moderator for tonight's conference. I want to welcome everyone to HealthyPlace.com. Our topic tonight is "Alternative Sexual Practices." Our guest is therapist, Randy Chelsey. Ms. Chelsey is a marriage and family therapist and licensed hypnotherapist located near Monterey, California. She says that every one of us has sexual fantasies. However, many of us end up repressing them. Ms. Chelsey also has a rather unique method of working with her clients and we're going to be discussing that also.

Good evening, Randy, and welcome to HealthyPlace.com. Thank you for joining us tonight. When you use the phrase "alternative sexual practices," what exactly are you referring to?

Randy Chelsey: I am referring to almost everything other than straight heterosexual intercourse.

David: Why is it that most of us have difficulty acting out our sexual fantasies?

Randy Chelsey: It's a sense of shame, I think. Our fantasies, those middle of the night thoughts, quite often differ from the way we like to think of ourselves acting.

David: I was wondering about the shame aspect of it, but also I think many of us are afraid we can't find a willing partner.

Randy Chelsey: Most of us can't, I think. We don't meet people we want to date with those criteria in mind. We don't find a community of people interested in foot fetishism, or spanking or leather when we are seeking a mate. We find a "vanilla" person we care about and then hope they'll like what we like, or else, we are so ashamed of these urges that we never expect anyone else will share them.

David: So are you suggesting that maybe seeking a "vanilla" person isn't all it's cracked up to be?

Randy Chelsey: I think it's a set up for disappointment not to ensure the person you are interested in being sexual with enjoy what you most enjoy. We make sure they're from our own social class, want children or not, share our religion, but we don't check on the fantasy level.

David: Asking someone to share a fantasy or lifestyle, for instance, involving bondage or some sort of fetish, is pretty difficult. It sort of reminds me of the pressure that guys in high school face when it comes time to ask a girl out and the fear of being rejected. Only in this case, the price you might have to pay for rejection could be rather high -- being branded a deviant. How would you address that?

Randy Chelsey: Absolutely. Unless that is a priority and you explore bondage communities for sexual partners. The internet has really made these communities a lot easier to locate. And being branded as a deviant is exactly what happens when someone asks his/her partner to act out their fantasy.

David: We have a few audience questions, Randy, on what we've been talking about so far, and then I mentioned that you have a unique way of working with clients in therapy and I want to address that. Here's the first question:

Love_and_care: I don't have difficulty with acting out my fantasies, but I am branded a "slut" for doing so. Do you think that people who act on their fantasies are "sluts?"

Randy Chelsey: I don't believe anyone is a "slut." I am sorry that with your opening up to who you really are, you were treated that unkindly. Perhaps the key to avoiding that in the future might be to approach a community who share your interests.

pia: So are you suggesting maybe instead of "vanilla person," which could be boring, seek "a rainbow" person.. :)

Randy Chelsey: Vanilla people are interesting to vanilla people. Few of us are the entire rainbow. Maybe we're red or green or yellow instead.

David: As we continue on here, I want to mention that when we are talking about sexual fantasies and acting them out, we are talking about consensual sex, an agreement between partners, NOT unwanted sexual advances. Just wanted to make that clear.

Randy Chelsey: I want to underline that.

GaryS: Is sex more important to marital or relationship stability than social class, children, or religion? I do not think so.

Randy Chelsey: I agree with you Gary. However, it's easier to find people who are middle class or who share child raising ideas than it is to find someone who appreciates the fact that you like to wear diapers.

David: Here's the link to the HealthyPlace.com Sex - Sexuality Community Sitemap. You can click on the link and sign up for the newsletter, so you can keep up with events like this.

Randy, how can we open up to our own sexual fantasies? How do we get to the point where we can accept it within ourselves as being "okay?"

Randy Chelsey: That's an extremely important question. Most of us judge our fantasies as wrong. It takes creating the time and space to sit with ourselves in our entirety. Our fantasies don't make sense. They don't "mean" anything. They emerge from a deep shadow side of ourselves. If you take the risk to act out any part of the deepest fantasy you have, I think you'll be surprised. Our fantasies are one of the "keys" to unlocking huge parts of ourselves. The part before thought. Our creativity is tied up with these fantasies.

David: I mentioned at the beginning of the conference that you have some unique methods for working with clients in therapy. Can you go into more detail on that?

Randy Chelsey: Yes. I've done a lot of work on myself, explored our cultures and worked with clients for years. During that time, I became aware that traditional therapy just doesn't work. People rush in and out of their therapist's office from a busy day, stay for 50 minutes talking off the top of their head, then they rush back to the lives they just left.

I work with people on a residential basis. They travel to see me and stay at a beautiful Bed and Breakfast across the street from my office. This is in a small ocean village in the Monterey Bay area of California. I work with them on one issue only. We meet for 3 two-hour sessions in 2 days on that one issue. Most of the work is done in trance. Between sessions, clients draw, watch the ocean or sit and think outside of their usual lives. I'm excited to say that I am often astounded by the work people do.

David: One observation, and I've received several emails today on this, is that some therapists, when told by their patients that they enjoy spanking, for instance, tell the patient they are suffering from low self-esteem. In other words, the therapist tells them there's something wrong with having a fantasy or experience like "that." After that, how can anyone walk out and think that what they are doing is alright or healthy?

Randy Chelsey: It's difficult. Therapists are members of society, and society holds a value that unless a sexual activity has to do with procreation there's something immoral, evil, sick, or unhealthy about it. Please don't believe that. Many women (and men) experience fantasies of being raped. That's a hard one to come to terms with. Often, they're powerful people who in their ordinary lives, would never stand for any mistreatment. Yet, in order to orgasm, they play out the rape fantasy. Now, that's not rape. With real rape, there is no control. We don't get to chose our attacker or what he does to us. It's our own fantasy, and it's okay to act it out.

David: We have a lot of audience questions, Randy. Let's get to some of those:

Randy Chelsey: Great.

barb_c: What if you don't have a fantasy, but your partner does. Do you try and fulfill it? He likes two girls to one man. I'm not sure I can do that without getting really jealous of someone touching my man.

Randy Chelsey: It's a part of my value system that says that I will not participate in anything I am not comfortable with. Yes, it's great to stretch and try new things. If you feel excited, or even neutral about what your partner wants, go for it, but if it's not comfortable for you, please respect yourself.

That's why it is often useful to meet people who already enjoy what you do before you become sexual and look at a life together.

steve d: I have been single now for a year. I had some wild times with my ex. Now I am starting to consider dating. Should I tell the person I am dating that I like a variety of sex and have unfulfilled fantasies, or should I just be like a perfect gentleman?

Randy Chelsey: Why do you think one option negates the other? Please be honest from the start. I get a lot of clients who are frustrated that their life partner isn't interested in what they crave day and night. Well, it's not their fault if you didn't ask.

David: I think that's a great point, Randy. If you aren't honest with potential partners, there's a huge chance that things won't work out in the long run.

steve d: Well, in today's society, I do not want to offend another person. Would it be ok to talk this over with a prospective life partner?

Randy Chelsey: Yes, Steve. This is your life. I think it's important to be sexually compatible. But, Steve, if you haven't found your partner in a community of like-minded people, chances are you are not compatible.

brianna_s: I am a submissive and have been involved in the D/s lifestyle. "Vanilla" is not fulfilling for me sexually, and trust is just as important as love in any alternative lifestyle. I feel our fantasies cannot become real without both people finding someone to share love and trust with, although this can be very difficult.

Randy Chelsey: Good for you, Brianna! You've taken this very big step. Everyone needs things sexually. You know that you enjoy being a submissive and you also need a loving relationship. That's true for you. We all have things that we need. I find that there are an infinite variety of desires. Within the D/s community, you have a billion preferences.

David: Here's the next question:

billthecat: What happens if we open up to a long-time partner about our fantasy and it turns them off so much that the relationship can't be saved?

Randy Chelsey: That's a very real risk. The fact that so many people, often after years in a relationship, begin to share their fantasies is an indication of how strong a craving they can be. We lie awake nights wishing for what we want - and need. This is something like the "life force," I think. It's our path, our own myth. And it has nothing to do with reason.

David: Just out of curiosity billthecat, what is your fantasy that you are hesitant about sharing?

billthecat: I pretty much fulfilled my fantasies already. I was just wondering if it would be worth opening up to a partner and risk losing something good.

dash_chance: I was under the impression that the desire to be spanked, in some people, was in a sense how the subject associated spanking with love (from childhood experiences). Is that a falsehood?

Randy Chelsey: Who knows? None of it makes any sense. It also makes it an unhealthy urge. Most people have spent years trying to figure out why they crave what they do. They buy the pornography, and then they throw it away, vowing never to think those sick thoughts again.

mayoz1950: I'm a bisexual, and I've known since high school that I've been attracted to women, too. The only problem is that I don't know how to meet another bisexual woman. I am 50 and I've had a few short relationships with women in my twenties. I don't feel weird; I feel blessed being a bisexual, but I wish I would meet some others.

Randy Chelsey: For every fantasy any of us have, there are thousands, millions, who share it. Use the computer to explore sites. The Internet is a great tool for people to find others who share their fantasies.

mayoz1950: I'm at the time in my life when I finally want what I want, and I think that is female companionship. The man in my life died 6 years ago with cancer and I feel I don't want another man now; I want female friends and companions.

Randy Chelsey: A great place to start - knowing what you want. You can have it if you commit yourself to finding this.

mayoz1950: Yes, the Internet is ok. Almost no one ever lives near where you are though.

Randy Chelsey: People can travel or move. It depends on how high a priority this is for you.

David: You might want to try some lesbian groups or organizations in your community or nearby. Here's the next question:

mschristy: I just found out that my boyfriend is gender confused. I try to accept it but I feel like it's just about him or her. During the day, he is a man but at night he is all women. I try to understand but it seems, sexually, it's all about her.

Randy Chelsey: I would support you in taking care of yourself and your own needs, first of all. Then, you might talk to your boyfriend about your concerns. Sounds like he might have something to tell you about himself.

David: In our fantasies and sexual experiences, is there anything that you would classify as not being "alright and healthy," besides forcible sex with an unwilling partner?

Randy Chelsey: Sex with children, who I consider unwilling partners. Also, sex that has you feeling bad about yourself in any way.

David: Here's an audience comment:

Tink: I am here as a virgin who hopes to stay that way and have a sex life without oral sex.

Randy Chelsey: I support you in your desires. However, I am hearing what you don't want rather than what draws you.

David: Thank you, Randy, for being our guest tonight and for sharing this information with us. And to those in the audience, thank you for coming and participating. I hope you found it helpful. We have a very large and active community here at HealthyPlace.com.

Also, if you found our site beneficial, I hope you'll pass our URL around to your friends, mail list buddies, and others. http://www.healthyplace.com

Thanks again, Randy, for being our guest tonight.

Randy Chelsey: Thank you, David.

David: Good night everyone and I hope you have a good weekend.

Disclaimer: We are not recommending or endorsing any of the suggestions of our guest. In fact, we strongly encourage you to talk over any therapies, remedies or suggestions with your doctor BEFORE you implement them or make any changes in your treatment.